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Ladies and Gentlemen...

The Turtles' Website Presents the first annual

"Eddie Awards"

Thank You, everyone.

Now please take your seats.

Thank You...Please...no more applause.


Nope.

Sorry.

S'just Little old me.

But listen up anyway.


In an era when MTV gives out figurines; when VH1 tells us who dressed the best; when the Oscars and the Emmies take a back seat to the Grammies; the Billboard Awards; the TV Guide Awards; the Peoples' Choice Awards; the Golden Globes and even Dick Clark's salute to himself, the American Music Awards, isn't it about time that an innocuous website carried on the tradition with one little man's opinion of what the hell HE thinks is going on out there in the world of entertainment?

Mercy, that was a long and rhetorical run-on sentence.

Never mind.

You're gonna hear from me anyway.


We shall begin with the world of Music.

Of course, these days even that category is broken down into ten or twelve separate subgroups from country to alternative and from hip-hop to mainstream. Once in a while, a breakthrough recording actually crosses all boundaries and sells to all the aforementioned demographic groups at once.

That's rare these days: it's not like the sixties when a hit was a hit was a hit...

"Yesterday" by the Beatles was played on every radio station in the world when it was released.

These days, only one out of twenty radio stations would take such a risk on a ballad...especially one sung by a British male...

Nope, it's not a man's world anymore.


So, let's look at the nominees for best recording for the year 1998.

On second thought, why bother?

Let's just GIVE these awards away...it's only cyberspace after all.

And energy cannot be created nor destroyed.

This year's musical Eddie Awards go to:



  • Cher
  • Rob Zombie
  • Marilyn Manson
  • Dixie Chicks
  • Eels
  • Aerosmith and, my particular fave,

Barenaked Ladies

who remind me....

well,

of ME!

Good work, Boys...


And now, my favorite BOOKS of the past year.

As if you care.


Moon, The Life and Death of a Rock Legend,


Black Butterflies:A Flock on the Dark Side


A collection of strange from the leather lad who defined the ____________punk movement. Insert your own adjective in the space provided.

John's a rocker and an unconventional author. He takes chances and so do the sixteen tales in this trade paperback volume. John wrote the lyrics for most of the last Blue Oyster Cult cd.

He does not fear the reaper; in fact I believe that they're close personal friends, but he certainly gives his readers a more-than-graphic looks at the many faces (and entrails) of fear.


Seize The Night


Even better than the first book of this new trilogy, Fear Nothing, Dean is taking advantage of the recent teen/horror audience by making his characters noticeably younger and hipper than ever before, but the mood is ever-present and always dark in hero Christopher Snow's world. And we get to see with even more depth than before his relationship with Sasha, Bobby and Orson the Dog (there's always a dog in a Dean Koontz book).

You want conspiracies...Dean'll give you conspiracies...

You want mutant lab creatures in subterranean tunnels, Dean'll .... well, you get it.


Wood On Canvas, Every Picture Tells a Story


This is a truly fantastic limited edition volume (though a bit pricey for some) of original artwork--mostly sketches--drawn and annotated by the Rolling Stones' brilliant guitarist.

You won't believe how good this guy is!

And what a fabulous job Genesis has done here in their choices of papers, hand bindings and reproductions. It feels good to hold this book and even better to see through Ronnie's eyes.


Remember, these are MY faves of the year...I lead a sheltered life.

No Grisham.

No Clancy.

No John Friggin Gray

No Cat Who Could Do Diddly Squat and definitely...

No Chicken Soup for anybody...you're all on your own as far as I'm concerned.

I'm pissed off!

And if you occasionally feel the same way...


Ranting Again


Volume two of the brilliant satire that has earned the 400 pound gorilla his many emmys and cable awards. Now he's got another one to add to his collection, MINE!

Great bathroom reading...each rant is about a dump's worth.


there are countless others.


And now The Eddie for best movie of 1998


well, I really didn't get out very much this year...

I didn't see either of the "War" movies.

Nor did I see the "Elizabeth" pictures.

I liked "Out of Sight

However, "Armageddon" kicked some serious asteroid ass and it was really loud...

I loved it.

I give it a ninety-five...I could dance to it.

So I hereby give the first father-daughter Eddie Award to Stephen and Liv Tyler.

Way to go you guys!

And kudos to Bruno--Mr. Willis-- who can sell anything.

If you liked him in this one, see the small budget "Color of Night" floating around a cable channel near you. It's hella-cool.

"Godzilla" was loud and big too.

So was "Prince of Egypt," but the hero looked too much like Speilberg for my liking.



  • Friends....I know, I know...but it IS!
  • Frasier 
  • Millennium 
  • Just Shoot Me 
  • The Simpsons 
  • Brimstone...by the time you read this, that great show will sadly be gone.
  • The X-Files....obviously

Buffy the Vampire Slayer


and

Charmed...

yes, Charmed on the good old WB.

you heard right...give this show a break and fall in love with the three wiccan sisters doing only good magic and undulating seductively through the scary plot twists as only the mad genius that IS Aaron Spelling could invent.

Shannon Doherty, Allysa Millano and newcomer (!) Holly Marie Combs star.


In a perfect world, Jim Carrey would have gotten a nomination for The Truman Show.

Also, Flo and Eddie will win an Emmy next year for their brilliant guest spot on NBC's "Suddenly Susan" of February 8th .

Yeah, right.

Sadly, while I don't have the power to give an award to Mr. Carrey, I DO have the facelessness of the internet and all of those First Amendment freedoms on my side. Therefore, and hoping that my nose doesn't begin to grow as I type, I hereby give an "Eddie Of the Future" to Flo and me for actually being on prime time t.v. at ALL this year.

Or even continuing to breathe.

Technically that would be an award for a 1999 show, but what the hell...?


Until next year, I'd like to thank my co-host Army Archard and of course, the lovely Joan and Melissa Rivers for their behind-the scenes gossip and fashion updates.


GOODNIGHT MRS. CALABASH, WHEREVER YOU ARE.

"eddie"

hkaylan@theturtles.com 

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