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Boy, what a summer it's been.

Your happy pals, the Turtles, have been "on the road" with just enough time to get the laundry done between shows all season long.

And grateful for the chance to perform for all of you, believe me.

I've made a ton of new friends, and to those of you joining me for the first time online here, welcome aboard.


So....

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

I'm not talking about the movie here, I'm talking about YOU...personally!!

You out there staring at your computer screen...

Yeah, you should be paranoid...how do you know that I'm not, at this very moment, accessing your credit card information?

Huh?


Well, you're lucky.

'Cause I don't know how to do any of that crap, making it perfectly fine for all of us to access our two partners, Amazon.com with total safety. And now...yes.....


THE ALL-NEW TURTLES' MERCHANDISE PAGE

All I'll say is that we've got some great-looking "logo" and signed stuff here.

We picked the merchandise out ourselves after doing this a mere 33 years.

And now, without the muss and fuss, we take VISA and MasterCard too, so you're a click away from being the coolest person you've ever known.


Where was I?

Oh yes.

Summer.

I will always remember the summer of '98 as the season when I watched Mark McGwire hit 70 home runs and make the history books as he rose to "hero" status while the President was attacked for an offense as heinous as Hugh Grant's and demoted to a status considerably less admirable.

Here in St. Louis, where I currently reside, the city went crazy. Needless to say.


Now THAT'S entertainment!

And that's media.


Also this season, I was fortunate to partake in the Inaugural voyage of the Disney Magic.

Walt would have been proud.

What a splendid vessel.

Great crew, great food and the Disney people are just wonderful dealing with public relations and attention to personal details.

Get out your charge cards right now and prepare to enjoy yourself more than you expect. It's actually a pretty good deal. You can go to the incredible Disney theme park complex for either 3 or 4 days and do the cruise--food and private island included as well as a second stop in Nassau--for the remainder of the week and it's really reasonable. This summer, kids can go for like $399. Single dads also take notice. This is a great bonding opportunity and a trip you and your child will never forget.

Or, you and your fiancée for that matter.


As the Summer began, I was recommending that you see "The Big Lebowski" in your local theaters.

Three and half months later, I recommend that you buy or at least rent a copy of this latest gem from the Coen Brothers.


Since we last spoke, no fewer than THREE motion pictures have been released about comets hitting the earth. The first one was a t.v. movie, and it was pretty good.

Next came "Deep Impact," Tea Leoni's romp with disaster and finally, "Armageddon," Disney's big-budget Bruce Willis mega-hit.

Guess what?

They sucked.

The gloriously life-affirming (albeit slightly saccharine) The Truman Show began the season and the gloriously death-affirming (albeit totally depressing) What Dreams May Come put the wrapper on it.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I believe that Robin Williams is a national treasure.

He can do it all, and we've awarded him in every way we can.

But he won't be picking up an Oscar for this one.

And unless you want to cry along with Robin for 2 hours, this dude recommends that you look at the pretty artwork on the poster as you go back to see There's Something About Mary for the fifth or sixth time.

Tea Leoni should have starred in that one instead of Deep Impact, which I see is breaking box-office records internationally.

In fact, Show Biz is so intent on finding the "new" Tea Leoni that the real one's only upcoming booking is in the maternity ward giving birth to the first "X-Baby."

Jenna Elfman, t.v.'s Dharma. is a loveable sprite unto herself but sure ain't no Mrs.Duchovny.

Nor is Sue Costello over there on Fox.


South Park continues to Rule!

Elvis is still dead.

Seinfeld just isn't as funny in reruns as it was the first time around... some shows, like Mary Tyler Moore, actually get BETTER with repeated viewing.

Howard Stern's Late Night show is already, predictably, on the skid(mark)s.

Craig Kilborne's rocket to stardom seems unstoppable.


Speaking of who...

Thanks to all of you out there in Cyberspace for sharing your thoughts with me about last month's list of my own personal favorite singers of all time.

A bunch of you had me saying, "Oh yeah, I should have listed that person..."

No one's perfect.


So now, I throw out the question, " Who are your favorite Funny People?"

And I shall kick off the discussion with a brief list of my own... In no particular order, of course.

  • WOODY ALLEN
  • W.C. FIELDS
  • GROUCHO MARX
  • STAN FREBERG
  • ALBERT BROOKS
  • STEVE MARTIN
  • JERRY LEWIS
  • OSCAR LEVANT
  • GEORGE CARLIN
  • ROBIN WILLIAMS
  • LILY TOMLIN
  • EDDIE MURPHY
  • MARTIN SHORT
  • ANDY KAUFMAN but NOT those Festrunk Brother rip-offs from SNL and that ROXBURY movie.

I know that my little list is ludicrously incomplete and very heavily skewed to the male comic, Ms. Tomlin being one of the only female performers that can get me rolling in the aisles AND using both sides of my brain at the same time.

Alas, as before, realizing my inadequacies, I invite your input on this topic. Simply e-mail here at hkaylan@theturtles.com and next month I'll post your choices.

Oh, and Judy Tenuta if you're reading this, don't even BOTHER to submit your own name. Also note that I have intentionally NOT listed literary funny-folk...

I think that George S.Kaufman and Mark Leyner deserve their own category. Nor do I believe that anyone with a standup comedy act deserves a t.v. show or a book deal. That eliminates Seinfeld, Ellen, Reiser, Drew Carey, Roseanne and any other lucky feeb out there that was at the right place at the right time.

Once.

Tuesday, 11:30 pm at the Comedy Store in L.A. Somebody drunk saw 'em, signed 'em, built an empire around them and forced the general public to accept them.

Sad, really.

Here we all are actually WAITING for a show to come along that's as entertaining as "Friends." People, what are we thinking?

I can handle Reiser and Hunt. Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pearce are magical.

Just Shoot Me works great.

Working, Veronica, Home Improvement...don't call me, I'll call you.

If you haven't yet, try the two new comedies from Showtime:


That's Bentley Little.


This man is a true master of the horror genre yet unknown to the millions that make Stephen King's Bag of Bones debut at Number One.

Go to Amazon.com and check out this gentleman's rare talent in books like,

Also, Because of the bashing that I gave to Ann Rice's "Pandora"

"The Vampire Armand",

the sixth book of the series that began with "Interview..." lo those many years ago. And I'll keep an open mind about this one.


Reading IS fundamental, you know.

And while you read, you'll need this:


Sensational job here.

Four CD's!


And the Turtles are still out here on "the road", so click over to our tour dates here at the site. Then come see the show when we play in your town and stop in to say "hi".


Til next time when we once again try to figure out why everybody ELSE besides US is so SCREWED UP,


Howard "Eddie" Kaylan

hkaylan@theturtles.com


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