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Hey there, fun seekers, and welcome to the second installment of my

  (Eddie's) Media Corner.  To those of you who read last month's posting,

it's great to have you back again.  And to you newcomers, take a second and

click back to last month's introduction to find out

just who the hell I think I am and what this page is doing on the ol' internet anyway.

I'll wait.....

(sound of whistling "Elenore"...thereby saving huge amounts of royalty

money that would otherwise go to far less-deserving artists).

      There...

      That wasn't so difficult, was it?

       Now we can move on.

 

  At the end of my last tirade I made the usual false promises hoping to

lure you back to this second installment.  So, just to cover my all-too-

exposed butt, I shall attempt to tackle all of them in one fell swoop at the

start of today's adventure into Medialand.

     I told you that we'd talk about Elvis.

     OK.

     Let's!

     Guess what.....?  He's still dead.! Oh my God!  They've killed Elvis!

You Bastards!!

      In reality, not so.  At least they haven't killed off one of the

greatest performers and writers of the last twenty years, Elvis Costello.

While some reluctant Baby Boomers lost track of the dear lad right after "My

Aim is True", or caught up to him during his McCartney collaborations and

just as quickly abandoned him again, some of us have remained loyal and it's

really paid off.  Not only has Costello brought home one great album after another,

but his current work with Burt Bacarach is splendid, artsy, poppy and almost

dangerously vital contemporary stuff.

Not to be overlooked.  Certainly Burt has found the one man in a zillion

that could fill the shoes of the late great Hal David as a lyricist...(Hal IS

dead, isn't he?).  And vocally, no one can touch Elvis who carresses each word

like he was falling in love (or out of it) for the first time.  A rare talent.

This was all evidenced by a Burt tribute on TNT that I stumbled across last

night whilst channel surfing.

Sheryl Crow sang.

Luthor Vandross sang.

David Sanborn played.

Dionne Warwick soared like an angel.

And Ben Folds Five just couldn't find the pocket.

Is there a moral here?

Do what you do do well, that's all.

 

There are only 3 more new Seinfeld episodes left to air on Must See

Thursday Night,

Thank God!

Now kindly get out of the way and make room for some, hopefully, real funny

tv.

Enough is enough.

"Stupid" usually only works until the viewers catch on to the truth...You

ARE the joke, viewers....that's why the show doesn't HAVE to be about anything

or even maintain a humor level...the joke is YOU!

And Jerry and company have been laughing at you for a long long time now

and many trips to the bank.

Wise up.

It's not too late to care.

At least, boycott the reruns.

 

I told you that we would be discussing the work of Anne Rice.

Well, you've never known  me to lie, have you?

(The preceding question was not intended for any of my ex-wives).

So I read PANDORA,  Ms. Rice's latest attempt to sqeeze every last vampiric

drop of her own legitimacy out of her twenty-plus year old mock legend.

People, am I alone out here or did it really suck? (No pun intended).

Another artiste too full of themselves.

I'm sure that many loyal followers would disagree.

Fine.

In that case, Riceheads, just drop me a line here and we'll discuss why a

velvet choker and black nail polish doesn't instill talent or longevity into

your attitude-stricken icon.

The only blood that Ms. Rice is sucking is yours.

So who's really the sucker here?

Honk if you still read Anne Rice!!!

(Too bad...I hear far too many horns.)

Why why WHY I ask when there are some of the finest authors of the century

out there peddling their craft to an audience that is so caught up in the

author's mystique, they fail to see the shortcomings in their work?

Try reading something amazing--something that will take your breath away--

not only within the contstraints of albeit brilliant prose and witty

storylines, but of pain-staking research and dizzying atmosphere.

Try, for example, ON STRANGER TIDES  by Tim Powers--indeed ANYTHING by that

author is utter brilliance.  Never has any writer so thoroughly researched

his subjects and with such amazing results...His novels will take you to places

you have never even dreamed of going.  Try his newest, the disturbingly shocking


EARTHQUAKE WEATHER ,to get a taste of what I mean.

     And, by all means, anything at all by such contemporaries as F. Paul

Wilson, Dan Simmons, Nancy A. Collins, Robert McCammon, K.W. Jeter,

James Blaylock and countless others that we will be discussing in future

rants.

     And now, we here at the Turtles' website have made it easy for you to

access the catalogs of these true media giants...just click on the Amazon

logo at the top of this page, and order a couple of books that carry my personal

guarantee.

      So where do I get off recommending reading materials?

      A fair question.

      Years ago when being "on the road" for the Turtles meant climbing into

a tour bus for a few months at a time,  leisure time was a quantity of which

we had far too much.  Dangerous things can happen to a rock and roller out

there in the hinterlands with time on his hands and money to spend...trust me, I

know.  So, in order to insure that life would continue without the

nosebleeds, I launched myself into the reading of all things Stephen King.

And then, it wasn't good enough just to read the material...I had to own

it...

and not just a paperback, but if possible, a limited and signed first edition.

This costly little habit pulled me right out of my other--and more

dangerous--habits and got me started on the road to collecting rare and

beautiful volumes that have been a source of great happiness for yours

truly.

For not only are they a tactile pleasure to hold and admire, but it turns

out that most of them have since appreciated greatly in value making me somewhat

of an investor along the way.

It's a hobby that I highly recommend, and one that probably saved this poor

boy's life.

Just Do It!

At any rate, my passion for reading got me into a frenzy for writing and

two of my short stories are currently available for your own scrutiny, dear

readers.

     The first story, THE ENERGY PALS  appears in anthology called

"Forbidden Acts" edited by the aforementioned Nancy A. Collins

and Edward E. Kramer and published by Avon...

     The second, HI BOB is the first tale in another compilation titled

"Phantoms of the Night" edited by Richard Gilliam and the ubiquitous Martin

H. Greenberg and published by DAW.

Remember, both of these volumes are just a click away at the Amazon logo.

More updates to follow.

    

     So I see here that my buddy, Peter Noone (the artist formerly known as

Herman) is headlining his own tour this summer. It's called "Teen Idols" or

something. (Paradise Artists has more info on that tour, I'm sure, and they

are also just a click away from this website.)  The tour also features Davy

Jones (of the Monkees) and Bobby Sherman (of "Here Come the Brides").

Don't look for Flo and I ever to be on a tour called "Teen Idols"...

somehow we missed that boat...perhaps because we were chunky little

bastards during our teen-aged years.

But, after you've checked out our itinerary here at the Turtles' site, see

if you'll have any cash left over to see Peter and company on what looks

like a very promising tour.

 

On the cinema front, my 9-year old daughter Alex finally persuaded me to

take her to a showing of "Titanic" which prompted the following observations from

her dad.

First off, I hereby refuse to attend another movie wherein the leading man

is prettier than the leading lady;

Second, doesn't anyone else find it a trifle emasculating to watch this

phallic oceanliner painfully split in half and then sink, flaccidly into the

cold blue sea?

Maybe it was just me, but I was squirming in my chair.

Also, PLEASE, a moratorium on that damned Celine Dion song.

Once More, You Open the Door...

 

and I'll kick your ass, Bitch.

 

Sorry....didn't mean it...just got carried away.

Celine, Lord Love Ya', you are a brilliant vocalist (for a French Canadian)

and you look great in all those tight little dresses, but even YOU would

have to agree that composers Will Jennings and James Horner have not re-written

Abby Road here.

It's just a fluffy little movie song.

That's all.

 

The remainder of the movie was like one long "Young and the Restless" meets

the new "Love Boat" minus the multi-talented Robert Urich.

I just don't get it.

 

You want to see a movie that's got it all?

Then DO check out Joel and Ethen Coen's latest, "The Big Lebowski"...

this one is truly magnificent (as are all of the Coen Brothers' movies--How

many out there saw "The Hudsucker Proxy"?)

Kudos to Jeff Bridges, a national treasure and certain Oscar nominee for

this one, and to John Goodman who has never been better in anything.

 

     And while I'm at it, congrats also to Billy Crystal for making this

past Academy Awards telecast so witty and comfortable.

 

     Also, I refuse to shut up until you guys realize that all of the

Turtles' Greatest Hits and other sundry titles are also a click away from here with

the addition of a new link on this very page to Amazon.com, a wonderful online

music provider that carries everything under the sun.

Click, scan and order secure in the knowledge that each and every Turtle cd

that you buy also comes with my personal guarantee.

(Fresh baked, dated and sealed for your protection.)

Thanks for supporting us, Amazon.com, and welcome aboard.

 

Whew!

I'm all out of room and of time.

Preparing myself for the upcoming NINE shows ahead on the 23, 24 and 25th

of April at the new Wild Animal Kingdom at Walt Disney World...hoping to see a

lot of you there.

Our exhaulted webmaster, Doug Grose, will be there too, so save your

complaints for him or, as always, drop me a line at this link

hkaylan@theturtles.com and I'll take you on one at a time.

 

Remember that all the above opinions are ONLY that and belong to only ME,

and do not reflect the opinions of my partner, Amazon.com, or anyone

else that I've ever known or have been married to.

 

Next issue:

 

Cartman's Dad

X-Files and X-Philes

Elmore Leonard

Sinatra

The Eels

S.P. Somtow

Just Shoot Me

Tim Hardin and Tim Buckley

and naked gardening.

 

Til then,

 

ADBB

 

Howard Kaylan

(aka "Eddie")

The Turtles


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