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WELCOME TO EDDIE'S MEDIA CORNER, EVERYBODY....
My name is Howard Kaylan and many of you know me as "Eddie" of the team "Flo
and _______", the lead singers, movers and shakers of the Turtles and the
Mothers of Invention as well as background singers with everyone from the
Boss to the Ramones. Yes--it's true--we've written cartoon soundtracks and songs
for Strawberry Shortcake and G.I. Joe, been on the Miss Universe staff, and
recorded reggae music in Jamaica. We've had our own syndicated television
shows and long running radio programs as well as producing other rock acts.
We've been feature film writers and newspaper columnists.
These days, as well as planning excursions to YOUR very town or city to
perform (see our touring schedule here on our website) Flo--Mark Volman--and
I pursue actual adult lives. Who'd have thought it?
Certainly, not our parents as they watched us grow into puberty in the South
Bay community of Westchester on the outskirts of Los Angeles. These days
Mark teaches a new generation of potential rockers as to the "do's and don't's"
of the record biz at Loyola-Marymount University in L.A. and I write dark
fantasy and horror tales as well as assembling my own new musical recordings in a
classy little suburb just west of St. Louis, Missouri. When the Turtles
have a concert to do, we each get on separate airplanes; meet our band (most of
them from the New York City Area) and our road manager (from Chicago) and
give 110% of ourselves to our audiences. 35 years later, the bookings keep coming
in and the group sounds better than ever (if I do say so myself).
There!
Now you don't even have to go to our biography page to read about us...
These are the Days of Our Lives. And they are great ones.
To quote Oscar winner James Cameron, "Look Ma, I'm on top of the world!"
Yeah, I know, that was really the James Cagney line, I just wanted to see if
you guys were paying attention.
So, you well might ask, just what is it that this Howard (Eddie) guy intends
to do here with his internet media ramblings?
Folks, in a nutshell, I intend to do your thinking for you.
Never again will you be stranded at a party without a snappy comeback to a
question about the most recent Ben Folds
Five CD, or who played guitar on
Ricky Nelson's "Hello Mary
Lou", or why Martin Scorcese's eyebrows grow
that way, or did George Wendt drink real beer on the set of "Cheers"?
As an author, entrepenuer, singer, actor, bon vivant and all-around good
guy, I shall attempt, nay, succeed in becoming your link to all of the media all
of the time.
And what qualifies me for that omnipotent position in your life?
'Cause I SAY so, that's why!
For example, let's take a quick look at the phenomenon that has become the
standard for radio and records in the nineties: the re-emergence of the
female singer dominant on the pop charts, (ie. Sheryl Crow, Allanis Morrisette,
Paula Cole, the entire Lilith Fair ensemble and any other female who refuses to
shave under her arms).
Kids, it's just a cycle...
Think back to the "girl groups" of the sixties--the Ronettes, the Shirelles,
the Crystals, Marvelettes, the Four Seasons---what? The Four Seasons were
men?
Oh.
Well, you see what I mean.
It's always that way.
"Titanic" wins 11 Academy Awards tying "Ben-Hur" which, up until that time
was the costliest super-epic ever filmed.
Same deal.
Jakob Dylan, Peter Fonda, Mira Sorvino, Hunt and Tony Sales....dynasties
all.
In short, it's like the symbol of t.v.'s "Millenium", the old snake eating
his own tail thingy...Wheels within Wheels, the Beat Goes On, Everything is
Everything, and Don't Bogart that joint my friend.
Just remember that for every Pearl Jam out there, there are a thousand
groups like the Eels that no one's ever heard about and that are probably, though
subjectively, infinitely better and more interesting.
For every Todd Rundgren there is a Milli Vanilli.
And for every thing, turn turn turn, there is a band that belongs in
Cleveland's Hall of Fame that will never be inducted because the president
of their record company hit on Ahmet Ertegan's wife once at Spago's.
Life really isn't that complicated.
You parents owe it to your children to tell them the Truth...that's
right...capital letters, the Truth!
And you kids owe it to your parents to tell them when they're just clueless
too.
They've got to hear it from some one.
It won't happen at the P.T. A. meeting.
Country, Hip-Hop, Jazz, New Wave, Classic Rock, top 40, Oldies, Alternative,
Classical.......BULLS**T!
There are only TWO kinds of music: Good and Bad.
Case closed.
Who's better, Celine Dion or Maria Carey?
OK, you're right...bad example...no winners there.
We all want more "South Park" in our lives and less Michael Bolton.
We all still love Keith Richards and wonder what the hell Bill Wyman was
thinking.
Most of us (males with sensitivity, at least) would rather spend the evening
with Helen Hunt than Anna Nicole Smith.
But with only 10 minutes to spend, would the results of that poll abruptly
change?
Probably.
And ladies, what if Leonardo Decaprio IS bi-sexual?
Does that make him less "hot"?
My guess would be no.
So here we are: Baby Boomers and their children.
And now our children's children.
All we can do is help.
Tell them about Public Television.
Encourage them to read Elmore Leonard and Dean Koontz.
Be there for them when they figure out that Will Smith's rap music is better
for them than Snoop Doggy Dog.
Watch television with them so that they understand that we all can laugh at
Mystery Science Theatre and are still trying to figure out why Drew Carey
became a star.
But, I digress.
In the future, this space will be devoted to current affairs and personal
recommendations.
Not on a Monica Lewinski level; more on a Jerry Lewis level.
Some of you will have the guts to read on...you Monty Python fans...and some
of you will pass me by or delete me from your hard drives...you're the ones
that made "Grace Under Fire" a t.v. phenom.
Let it be known that it matters little to me, personally.
For I am grounded in Truth....that's right, with a capital "T".
And there is only one, you prospective Mulders and Scullys out in
cyberspace.
And it isn't "out there".
It's right here.
Looking forward to our next update when we shall discuss, among other things,
Elvis,
Anne Rice,
Seinfeld,
Howard Stern,
SCTV,
Tim Powers,
Herman's Hermits,
The Big Lebowski,
and The Box Tops.
Til then, when things REALLY get rollin', I shall invite all inquiries
and/or
comments to be sent to me at
HKaylan@theturtles.com
Looking forward to our next transmission together.
adbb ( from the "X-Files"....meaning, "all done, bye-bye)
the artist formerly known as Eddie
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